The first time I was told that I had "leadership skills" was in high school, when I tried out to be a section leader in the marching band. I was shaking, quaking bundle of nerves the entire day leading up to the try outs, practicing calling commands for weeks, suddenly uncertain of my ability to do a drill-down, let alone call one. After results were posted, my band director smiled and complimented me for trying out, saying that I had "true leadership skills" while mentioning things I would also have to work on, as any good teacher would do.
I was over the moon - I wasn't just bossy anymore, I was a leader. The past five years, of being painfully conscious of the amount of space my personality seemed to occupy, the volume that I naturally spoke with. and the shit that I did not want to put up with, all suddenly seemed so worth it, just to be called a leader by a role model. I had consoled myself over those past five years, hiding behind books about big, strong women who were leaders, making friends with other kids (and parents) who didn't seem to mind that I liked to make my own decisions. I fought to fit in, literally fighting with my hair to tame into some semblance of "stick straight". Black nail polish and heavy eyeliner seemed to excuse my behavior in some ways, but I was never quite what I wanted to be. I wasn't quite popular enough to have the voice or opinions that I did, and although being popular was not the goal. I envied the others in high school who took on leadership positions, boys and girls. I badly wanted to be a leader like others in the school, but I could not reconcile with my eleven-year-old-self who had been bullied for being "so bossy" and so instead I was surly, sassy, and angry. I was blatantly disrespectful, and consoled myself by repeating over and over that "well-behaved women rarely make history".
Although band helped, my self-identity as a potential leader and as a strong woman did not truly start to form until this approximate week five years ago, at the Diocesan Youth Conference in West Plains, MO. I was chosen as president of my youth group to help plan the conference for 2011, and although I did not do nearly as much as my youth leaders did, I did a lot. And I knew it. And I was proud of it. And it was kneeling there, during Adoration, next to two adults who made me feel like an equal, rather than as a child. My peers were caught up in a very emotional moment with God, but I felt at peace. I was overcome by this powerful sense that God was proud of me, for the work that I had done, and for the kind, macro-managing, trusting leader that I had been the past few months.I still count to ten before raising my hand in classes, for fear of being a know-it-all. I still feel bossy
at times, and at times, I am. But that moment I shared five years ago was invaluable. I would not have served as president of an organization or been able to lead my own lecture without it. I would have been unable to "court" Josh into eventually dating (and soon, marrying!) me. I definitely wouldn't have applied to law school or became the director at Camp Re-NEW-All.
There are different kinds of spiritual gifts but the same Spirit;Little girls who are ridiculed for being bossy may never grow into their potential. I thank the Lord every day for the experience and blessing God gave me five years ago.
there are different forms of service but the same Lord;
there are different workings but the same God who produces all of them in everyone.
Tota tua,
LeAnn
